I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
