Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Randomize
