Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
