Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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