he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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