I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
