If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
