Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Swine flu. Run for my life!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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