So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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