How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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