i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Randomize
