i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
