that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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