I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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