She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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