if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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