Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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