My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
