I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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