I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
