got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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