Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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