Are we in a gay sports bar?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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