he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
