shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
