WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
