I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
