someone threw a dead crab at me
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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