Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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