Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It's shark week go big or go home
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
