I just threw up on my dentist
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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