have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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