does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
