Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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