She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
