Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I believe in your delicious
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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