I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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