someone get that fucking seahorse.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
