Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
