its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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