My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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