I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
