I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You may now shotgun with the bride
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
