Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
