I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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