Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
