Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just blew my weed a kiss
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Randomize
