remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
