Who did Billy Mays play for?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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