toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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