I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Panties = found
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
