i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
