I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
