I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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