who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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