This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
